9.28.2007

Keep breathing

Today is all about air. I can't seem to get enough of it. I keep gulping and gulping huge deep breaths but I never seem to get full. It's such a relief today -- the idea of smoking a cigarette is disgusting, instead of interesting or inviting. I actually do NOT want to smoke a cigarette. I'm pretty sure I didn't want to yesterday, but I was simply feeling the urge intensely, to the point of distraction. I was watching people smoke today on my way to the gym. I didn't envy them. I really meant what I said about never wanting to have a first day of no smoking again. It truly is the hardest, although there are moments when the idea of NEVER having another cigarette sends me spiraling into despair. Fortunately I found a perfect solution to this particular nastiness. I visualize a foul, poisonous creature that's trying to kill me. So I'm fighting back. It's a fight to the death. I must kill that little sonofabitch before he kills me. And if I keep breathing and I keep fighting, I can get through this. I imagine a day will come when I won't even think about smoking or cigarettes or other smokers. At least I hope that day comes. But I won't hold my breath.

2 comments:

Lauri said...

You sound strong and sure! yes, indeed, the day will soon be that your joy in being able to climb a hill and breathe without a struggle will make all the fight seem far away. I used to think that a day without smoking was impossible; now i see smokers and think, " you poor addicts. " Ha!

Barb said...

cathleen: This is a voice from your past. I'm visiting Lois in Arizona and my sis is Sharon. I know already your memory is in full swing!! We were talking about Alaska and your name came up and we decided to send this to you to send you our love and great memories!! Hope all is well with you. Smoking is the hardest habit to beat so the best of all to you. My sis is still smoking but tries periodically to stop. Just hasn't made it yet. We think a reunion of all the folks from Student's Child Care Center would be fabulous. We'll keep you posted. Hugs, Barb (Sharon's little sis).